My Only Hope: Death

"It's as if the Lord has our name on specific trials.  They are specifically designed for us, arranged with our weaknesses and our immaturity in mind.  He bears down and doesn't let up.  And we groan and we hurt and we weep and we pray and we grow and we learn." Chuck Swindoll

"Man's goings are ordered by the Lord; how can a man then understand his own way?" Proverbs 20:24

For so long, every time the Lord has designed trials for me, I have been convinced that I coped with these times far worse than other people who go through difficulties...and maybe I did and do.  I'm not sure where I got the idea that these tests were to grade our "coping skills"...I just assigned myself a grade and in my mind I always fell short.  The enemy convinced me that my value was less than others because of the things I went through as a child.  I was damaged goods...never good enough for God to use in a big way.  I would have to settle for something mediocre.  I equated "value" with "importance and rank" which I based on performance.  I became obsessed with proving that I could be trusted with something big, and craved to be affirmed by other people.  I was addicted to approval and acceptance and would do anything for another "fix".  If I got an "atta girl", it was a good day and I felt an sense of relief for a time, but if no one noticed me or I made a mistake or was criticized in any way, I was devastated; convinced that I was right in thinking that I could never be valuable.  Oh boy!  This became a deep rooted bondage.  But even when the Lord revealed to me what was going on and I recognized it for what it was, I couldn't break free on my own.  I tried over and over again and failed miserably.  God would have to tear out that root and, as I would soon find out, it was intertwined and wrapped around every part of my soul.  The Great Physician would have to perform surgery...very painful surgery.  As the realization of how painful this would be resonated in my mind, a theme became evident.  Suddenly, every sermon I heard was about dying.  All my Bible reading was about dying...everything was pointing to death.  I realized the only solution.  A reality that was so frightening, I fought against it until I was so miserable and so weary, I could no longer fight...only surrender to the inevitable...DEATH!
I had spent years in depression feeling like I was buried alive.  In a deep pit of despair that felt like a grave.  I imagined death would be a relief and yet everything in me fought to live.  I cried out and God heard me and delivered me back with the living.  I was so surprised and excited when He delivered me to be not only functioning, but apparently being used by God in my church and in the lives of others.  It was more than I could ever have hoped for!  And now I learn that the only cure for my approval addiction is death!
Death...once again alone, forgotten, useless.  That's how I pictured it.  Death isn't pretty or exciting.  It goes against our human drive to live.  But I had two choices: 1.)Keep my life and live it in crippling bondage, or 2.) Go down to the grave.  Take up my cross and follow Christ unto death.
Finally, I surrendered...crawled up on the alter to have the root ripped from my soul.  I will not lie to you...it was painful.  It was very painful. 
BUT IT WAS SWEET!  So very sweet.  I did feel alone and forgotten for a short time.  But my Savior did not leave me in that grave.  He resurrected me...He raised me up!  I woke up and I was free!  Free from the bondage of condemnation.  Free to be who He created me to be.  Free to raise my hands up when I sing praises to His name.  Free to cry and laugh...even free to fall down and fail!  It no longer mattered about me...suddenly there was no one in the world except Him.  The cross and death saved my life from hell and it saved my life from bondage.  I'm FREE!

John 12:24-25
"Verily, verily, I say unto you.  Except a corn of wheat fall into the ground and die, it abideth alone:
but if it die, it brings forth much fruit.  He that loves his life shall lose it!"